AdLIBBING

A good friend just left and I am coping with that. 

What do you do when you are sad?

Mostly, I pretend that I am not.  It is easier that way.  Not too many explanations and not too many pity or pithy remarks or binges of self pity, to manage.

I also tend to keep myself busy.  Mostly go out and be with people so I am not left alone with my thoughts. 

But I think it is not as bad for the people who are left than those doing the leaving.  Those left, still pretty much have everything else intact – network, home, environment, except for that gap from the person leaving. 

But for those doing the leaving, it is away from all things familiar and the lonely busyness of re-settling including looking for an apartment; making new friends.  Even turning on the shower head for hot water or turning on the hob to boil water, are unfamiliar. 

It takes way more to leave and to leave behind.

I can’t quite imagine how difficult all that can be as apart from travelling as part of the job and for leisure, I have never quite left home and country.

The good and bad is that we learn to adapt without those who left and those whom we leave.  We need to.  Part of the resilience of the human spirit is the ability to adapt.  That keeps us going.  We learn to do without the day-to-day interactions and hopefully hold special thoughts and moments for when we do chat. 

Of course, technology has made “chat” quite a different animal from mere long-distance calls.  As these were expensive, it used to be that snail mail was the main mode of communication.  Now there are e-mails, SMSes and chats are more accessible.  Whether with those international calling cards or face-to-face, online chats.  Long distance communication now is that much easier, convenient and cheaper; but the ability to remain connected over time and space, is quite a different matter. 

Does it erode over time?  Maybe.  But if the bonds shared are strong, it’s like cycling.   Once known, we never quite forget.

NB:  Apologies in advance for this rather longer post.  This is a burning issue with me.  And the second half would not make sense without the first part.  Please bear with it and read on.  Would love to hear from you.

My cousins, my sister and I were at the “Best National Day Parade Ever!”  yesterday and at the best seats in the house, ever!  I would like to thank my sister’s friend and her father for that. 

It was a spectacular parade.  Ivan Heng, this year’s Parade Director, did a fantastic job weaving a story around the different segments presented so it didn’t become another series of presentations from different groups tied loosely around a theme.  Instead, the incredible story-telling linked everything together.  What could have been specatacular yet mundane turned into a well-knit, unifying programme.  From the delightful explosion of colourful and heart-felt and humourously-presented skits and songs on historical fact to the display of our land, air and sea defence capability.  Even the parade and the marchpast were weaved into the story with excellent music arrangement interlacing the different segments.  The staging was phenomenal!   It was multi-media artistry, right down to the eye-shaped screen where different segments of the theme, “What do you see” were flashed and the HDB-like split “screens” with live performers!  It culminated in the historic 8.22pm nation-wide pledge moment and the heart-tugging strains of the National Anthem amid the burst of fireworks for a fitting finale.

The story-telling not only did its magic for the National Day Parade but somehow the story intertwined the participants and the audience whether at the Marina or at home and truly unified Singaporeans, regardless of race, language or religion.

I must say even the logistics were better this year.  The ticket and security checks and handing out of the goodie bags were split into different sections.  It made the management of human traffic more seamless.  At least to me.

Kudos to everyone involved in the parade;  For a nation-unifying show that would get even the best of cynics on her/his feet.

Where am I going with this?  Stepping out of the magical arena where motivators and greeters lined exit points to chorus thank-yous and wave good-byes, we walked back to the car, parked at Suntec City via Marina Shopping Centre.  The sights that greeted us outside the mall were a crying shame. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I think it’s great that Singaporeans were congregated everywhere along the grass patches to soak in the atmosphere and possibly for most, to enjoy the dazzling fireworks display but littered, in and around them were cigarette butts, leftovers, food wrappers, drink bottles etc… etc… It was a very ugly sight and a disappointing display of the ugly side of Singaporeans.    To be honest there were a few inconsiderate folks that left some cups and bottles at the Marina grandstand but overall, it was clean.  Most people bagged their rubbish (yes rubbish bags were provided in the goodie bag ) and dumped the bags at garbage points on the way out of the Marina.

But this, was deplorable and being suddenly accosted by this terrible display, I, un-premeditated, blurted the first thing on my mind, “Oh my God (literally I was in despair), there’s litter everywhere. This is appalling!”

Then I heard this mocking echo from a young, female teenager (I will not mention race, language or religion), “Oh my God, look at her face.  It’s appalling…”  She said it twice within earshot as if she wanted me to hear her remark.

I stopped and stared at her (mind you, if looks could kill, she would have keeled over her fat abs many times over).  I was furious (not about the remark on my face).  Those who know me will know that after hours outdoors in the sun with no air-con, I literally melt.  My hair was bunched in a clip.  I was wearing white pants!!!!!! (what a sacrifice for my country) and a red blouse.  So guys, get it, I know I was no contender for even Ms Average-Looker Singapore.

I was angry because I felt that there was no remorse at the lack of consideration and civic-consciousness to keep the place clean.  We need to treat public places as we would our own homes and private spaces.  That is the ultimate gracious society. 

She was holding my stare but I knew she was afraid, it showed in her eyes.  Trust me I wasn’t going to start an incident, not especially after such a beautiful parade and all my display of love for the nation and its people.

I held her stare a split second longer and I said, “And because it’s National Day, I forgive you”.  She was dumbfounded.  The group she was with, relieved.  I sauntered away.

My burning question?  How do we keep Singaporeans more civic-conscious, outside of a parade.  My generation and those before grew up with campaigns, including “Keep Singapore Clean”.  It was cheesy but it worked; supplemented by the fines, of course.  The new generation of Singaporeans/Residents only have the mindset of Singapore – the fine city.  It is funny and we need to laugh at ourselves.  But the attitude displayed sometimes of some of them is derision of what is good.  And cool, is anti-establishment (without appreciating any facet of our history and where we’ve come from). 

How do we unify them to what’s good?  Or is this not just a new generation problem?

What if tomorrow the company nullifies us

What if tomorrow we lose our status as the world dictates

What if tomorrow we lose respect from the world

How would we live today?

What if tomorrow we lose our health

What if tomorrow a loved one’s days are numbered

What if tomorrow a natural disaster claims the street where we live

How would we live today?

Would we lose our dreams

Would we lose heart

Would we lose sight of who we are

Don’t lose sight of things that matter

Agape, that’s God’s love

Phileo for people we love and people who love us.

What if the world were to end tomorrow

How would we live today?

Doesn’t it sound like a contradiction in terms?  Can we manufacture fun?  Is fun planned or spontaneous?

I mean you can’t just throw someone a party without any planning?  We need people to have fun with.  So at the very least they need to be told upfront.  That’s planning.  You need to get the food and drinks.  That means providing for time to either cook (yeah right); alright buy or pre-order.  All that is “pre” work.  That requires some planning too.

Even to go on a holiday, no matter how spontaneous (like going to UK on the next day after you book your ticket … ok two days after booking your ticket :p), you still need to get your airtickets in advance and there is this thing called applying for leave.  Yes leave from the work you do that will pay for your holidays.  If you want to visit certain places, you will at least need to know opening and closing times and if it needs guided tours, when it starts and ends.

Why am I asking this?  I am just intrigued.  How much planning anyone needs in our lives and for what and how much else we go with the flow?

Like for me, the best holiday is pretty much free and easy.  Whether we just chill or go on self-drive holidays.  Note package tours, not in the cards :p  Too many people to cater to.  Even travelling with one other person takes adjustment, what more a bus load!  If they are inconsiderate, you are stuck for the rest of the trip!  Then the trips are like, “Ok everyone, this is the Eiffel Tower.  Take a picture.  Buy a souvenir.  Knock your socks off.  You have 10 minutes.”  That’s if they speak in a language you understand.  There is also the loooooooooonnnnng bus rides that doesn’t allow for pit stops to take that breathtaking picture.  Or enjoy wine and cheese picnic by the lakes…Awwww…..  Or the other thing that kills me - crawling out of bed at unearthly hours.  On my leave days?!

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll get up at 4.30am for that hot air balloon ride.  You need to set up the balloon and catch the sunrise.  Breathtaking!  And the descent and champagne brunch at a vineyard.  Way cool!  Worth any sleep deprivation.  But I can’t do the chop, chop 5am to 9pm gruelling schedule day after seven days packing in every possible single sight and yet seeing nothing.  I’ll need a holiday from my holiday.

I just need to plan around the bigger things, like those mentioned earlier, then go with the flow.  I’m luckier as I can travel off-peak periods.  But so as not to stress yourselves, plan to arrive at the place, in the day so you can go to the “I” and have plenty of time to check around on things to do and places to stay before you check in.  Once you have the information for the bigger pieces, you can decide what to do fuss-free (well almost :p)  Of course, you also need to have an idea of one or two big things you really don’t want to miss.  Everything else is a bonus as it would generally be new and therefore novel anyway.  So like a wise friend says, “Don’t sweat the small stuff”.

I get it that some people need to plan everything to the “t”.  I think it’s about control.  I guess it is a certain type of “manufactured” fun.  Is that an oxymoron?  We certainly need a balance.  We can’t all sit around and expect a trip, a party, an anniversary celebration to happen. Especially when there is more than one person involved.  Heck, even retirement needs some planning.  By all means, plan the “pre” stuff.  Then when the event takes place, you pretty much go with the flow.  Enjoy the expected and the unexpected. 

But there is spontaneous fun.  I’m not a believer in the stars or anything but sometimes when you sense that things are falling into place, just on a whim, by yourself or with a friend or family member/s (there is always someone available somehow), go cycling.  Take some pictures.  Have a leisurely brunch.  Walk by the beach.  Have an intimate dinner.  Catch up with old friends.  Go for a spa.  Take a short weekend getaway.  Whatever.  Borrowing from NIKE, “Just Do it”. (I prefer the old tag line)

What do you think?  Can we plan fun?  How much of it do we plan?  What do we let go before we can actually have fun?

When do we start doing what makes us happy and fulfilled, that will make us less one-dimensional?

For those who are not married – after you get married so you can embark on them with the one you love? 

For those who are married with kids – after the kids’ graduation?   After they get married?  After your grandkids are more independent?

For working folks - after that big project?  After that bigger and more important project?  After the big promotion?  After marking scripts?  After marking more scripts?  After retirement?

There will always be something else.  Another ”legitimate” barrier.  I say don’t postpone doing what will make us happy.  Fulfilled.  Apportion and pepper, throughout our lives, activities that are fun and meaningful.  Don’t wait.  Life is too unpredictable. 

Is work worth the while for us to postpone doing what makes us happy?  I remind myself that if I keeled over at my desk never to raise my head (on my own effort) anymore, what would I get?  Flowers, monetary contribution at best.  At worst, they just replace you.  Life goes on.  A friend’s colleague so looking forward to retirement and embarking on all the things she’d always wanted to do, died soon after. 

Don’t let work hold you back; don’t let the kids or anything else be your excuse for not pursuing those “things-you-have-always-wanted-to-do-but-never-had-the-time” too.  Plan to.  It may sound too prescriptive but everything requires planning.  Even seemingly simple things.  Getting around to starting the exercise routine, meeting with old friends, going on that much deferred trip with a loved one, bringing your parents and family out for a meal or to a new mall or new place of interest, even time to be quiet.  If not, one day will pass to the next and nothing different would have happened. 

Frankly, sometimes, we just find some excuse not to pursue anything different from our normal routine.  We are, after all, creatures of habit.  It is easier to vegetate in front of the TV or grab that console for mind-numbing computer games, after a long, exhaustive day at work or school.

We start now.  First, we think of what would make us happy.    Then we can start checking off the list.

Here’s the start of a “happy” list for me:

• Cut out some noise.  Be quiet with my own thoughts.  To be still
• Take periodic breaks – one long holiday or two short holidays a year! :)  There’s a mental list of the places I want to go to at least once in my life
• Go for another extended family holiday
• Take up inline skating then roller blade for exercise (hopefully this accident prone person, will survive with life and limb intact)
• Learn to play the piano
• Start getting published and paid by some online greeting card company.  If that works, it goes towards retirement plans to fund those little luxuries and to keep the grey matter going
• Start the process of blogging and how long the momentum can be sustained.  If so, plan for blog targeting my peers as we move into our golden years, also gearing towards retirement.

Can’t think of anything else at the moment.  Maybe I have been quite good at timeout stuff, busy or not :p  Keeping in touch with friends.  Chilling over a meal or coffee, spa treatments, mani/pedicure and holidays.  Had tennis lessons until my hand started hurting :p Mentoring younger girls.  Embarked on some mission-type/socially conscious activities (could do with more though).  Singing with an acapella group (didn’t quite make a full-fledged recording but sang back up for a friend on his debut album)….hmmm… could I also add “buy my own place” to my happy list? :p

What about you? What’s your happy to-do list, even if it’s just a mental list?  Where are you at with them?

I dropped off this comment on the REACH site in relation to H1N1.  This is strictly based on my understanding and what I remember about what i read earlier about extending the expiry date for the Tamiflu stockpile. 

This is rather belated I know since the news report but it has been something on my mind so I decided to comment on it, regardless.

I read with concern that MOH had requested the manufacturer of the Tamiflu drug to extend the expiry date of the product for another three years. The reason, if I remember correctly, is that Singapore tends to be more stringent about expiry dates of medicine and therefore by international standard, the Tamiflu [stockpile in question], is still good for consumption.

I have four questions in relation to this action:

1. Why, if we have established a policy & procedure for expiry of medicine, do we re-visit it only now? And why only for the Tamiflu.

2. I remember reading before this announcement that Indonesia faced the same issue and the government destroyed all expired supply immediately. Why if Indonesia, who is generally not known, for stringent adherence to policy (where and if there is one) thinks that it is not safe for consumption, do we think that it is?

3. Hand to heart, would VIPs and VVIPs etc…etc… in Singapore or coming to Singapore for treatment also be administered the same supply of the same stock of extended expiry Tamiflu? Would the very same policy makers also be treated with the same and consume it?

4. Why, if it’s still effective and therefore legitimate for expiry to be extended, is there an explicit letter to GPs requiring GPs to get waiver from patients, before administering the drug? Or is this not true?

Look forward to hearing an honest and sincere response.

On behalf of the underdogs,
QN

I remember asking this question of my nephew when he was in Primary 1, “Who are your friends, XXX?”, and his very philosophical reply, “I have neither friend nor foe.”

That struck a chord.  Besides being a very smart reply especially for a then 6-year old (awwwww), it actually has some truth in it.  It is likely that all he had then were acquantainces. 

I am also not one of those who makes a “best friend” at hello.  Neither then nor now.  I will interact with warmth (as much as I can psych, especially with new people) but it takes a lot more than a warm handshake or air kisses, to make someone more than an acquaintance. 

I think there is nothing wrong with having different levels of acquaintances and friendships.  It’s normal.  We can’t have all best friends.  The spectrum ranges from ”those you hee he ha ha” with (singlish for “cho hee” .. hokkien for “main wayang” … hmmm (this explanation is getting nowhere) … malay for playact? (you get the drift); those you are comfortable enough to hang with and those you trust with your life.

The office is where you might find more of the first category (well technically, these will be filed under acquaintances) as politics, presence of white horses, spy networks give rise to the necessity of this type of hair raising, spirit-wrenching, life-sucking encounters.  One caveat though, if out of this labryinth of terror networks, you are able to form any friendships at all, you probably can count on them being your friends for life.

As for friends, here’s a list of criteria (for me, at least) that will qualify someone as a friend (not in any order of merit, in any combi or on its own): 

• Someone with whom there is give and there is take
• Someone you wouldn’t mind spending an inordinate amount of time chilling with, flitting from non topic to non topic
• Someone on the same wavelength and mindset as you and with whom you have had shared experiences
• Someone with whom you can agree to disagree with, peaceably
• Someone you’ve gone through thick and thin with
• Someone you’ll turn to in times of trouble
• Someone you trust with your deepest, darkest secrets
• Someone who doesn’t judge you but will love you enough to be honest with you and knock some sense into you when required (at risk of friendship cos the truth always hurts and the first reaction is mostly to retaliate and/or dismiss)
• Someone you trust with your life
• Someone you’re willing to make sacrifices for
• Someone who will celebrate with you
• Someone who will cry with you (this rules out most guys, if you are a girl, stay with your girlfriends on this)
• Someone who will be there when life’s journey ends
• The only One whose life ended for me, in the spiritual sense

For me, fortunately, my family and extended family members are also my friends.  So I am doubly blessed and richer for this as I know for some, that might not be true.

What’s your experience?  Who do you count as friends?  Leave your comments and add to the list, if you will. 

Cheers!

Your friend, (I hope)

All of us make choices everyday.  Some we are happy with and others we are not proud of.

Simplistically, we could make choices from decisions based on ideals.  Rooted in realism.  Or pessimistic thoughts.  The first and latter premise are of the school where the glass is half full or half empty.  And in the middle is plain common sense.

Ideals are good as they allow us to dream.  Realism, I think, is the traction that brings dreams to reality or tells us where dreams need to allow some room for practical needs to be met.  Pessimism gets us nowhere.

As an aside, there is nothing wrong with dreaming.  Some dreams will remain dreams.  And some peppered with realism sees us staying the course for whatever tasks that lie ahead to achieve the dream.  It could be about vocation, business, personal challenges etc… We dream and realism kicks in to ensure there is a plan to bring the dream to fruition.  If not, it becomes a case of starting one too many projects that never see the end.  It gives the term ”starter” a totally different meaning. 

In the same category, I think, is making choices to do with morals and ethics.  Some say that’s too idealistic and consequences could be dire to make such decisions based on moral judgement and values.  For example, if you stand your ground at work against bad judgements.  Illegal practises.  Or unfair treatment, which in some cases becomes more serious, corporate bullying.

Where is the balance in this?  What if choosing to stand up for what’s right means losing your job?  Is a clear conscience good enough to feed your family?  That’s the reality, isn’t it?  The economics always gets in the way.

I think it was Sun Tze that said, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer”.  Do we choose to fraternise with the enemy?  If so, would that mean having to “wayang” with the victims?

Whatever we choose, just have the moral courage (I could think of another word) not to hide behind theatrics and pretense.

Bad is if you choose to sleep with the enemy, worse if you lie about it; but worse than a lie (ie: worst of all) is falsehood masked as truth.